“They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary.” (Isaiah 40:31)
Dear family and friends,
I don’t want to be the occasion of the sin of envy for you, but I got to have another barium smoothie today. #cancerperks
Beyond that, there’s very little to tell. The CT scan images are in a computer somewhere (#INthecomputer) and we probably won’t hear anything until Monday. And so we wait and work on the spirit of patience.
During the first go-around and in this one, I’ve gotten used to waiting. A friend whose wife has been going through cancer for about the same 10-year period that I’ve had it gave me good advice when we learned that my cancer was back. He encouraged me not to become fixated on “the next scan,” thinking that if it’s good news, we’ll be able to calm down/be at peace/focus on work/focus on family responsibilities/etc. That’s a “things will be better when…” attitude. What about those things that are good right now? Should I risk missing out on them because I’m wound up about scan results that are going to say whatever they’re going to say? They’re either going to be good, bad or indifferent, and “which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life?” (Mt 6:27) I just don’t want to be in my own head that much.
I get asked a lot how I’m doing mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It could be the fact that I feel normal, but I have almost no anxiety about this whole situation. I am grateful for today and for any good and bad that comes with it. I just don’t see that I have any other option than to pray like crazy, ask the same from you, and then abandon myself to the will of God while living life exactly the same. “But how are you able to do that?” is the question I sense is in the air and which I have been asked by a few friends. The short answer is that I believe it comes down to a set of spiritual practices, key among which are daily prayer and spiritual direction (coaching) every few weeks. I think I’m going to have to leave the details for another time – fading fast at the end of a long week. But I’ll sleep easy knowing that God can take better care of me and my family than I ever could. So I can wait till Monday.
With fortitude and prayers for you,